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Saturday, 26 September 2009

  • panic attack

    The flashing lights follow me everywhere I go and the world spins so hard that I lose my breath and feel like I am suffocating. Everyone's face is blurred. I can't tell my friends from my enemies. They all look the same. I push them all away, because I can't tell who's who. When I do start to recognize them, it's too late. Diva can't stand to be around me anymore. He even told me this. I can understand why. I'm constantly mean to him and I try hard not to, but I don't even know what I'm doing whenever I'm in this state. My anger leaks out on to him and I don't even mean to say the things I say. All I can think about is how I can possibly make everything stop spinning. Sleeping is the only way I can escape, but it's not like I can sleep twenty-four hours a day. I tried to tell my mom last night about how this happens to me all of the time, but I was once again overshadowed by my schizophrenic sister and her anxiety attacks. My family doesn't know that I have panic attacks everyday around lunch time. Even though Diva and me haven't been getting along that well I want to have him talk to my mom and tell her how bad off I really am, because I can't talk over my sister. I need help, because I can't do this on my own. The fact that Diva and I haven't been getting along is making everything worse. Not being able to breathe hurts, being assaulted hurts, having eating disorders hurt, but none of these things can compare to how badly it hurts to know that you are screwing up a friendship with a really amazing and phenomenal person.

Saturday, 11 July 2009

  • Dear B,
    I think I have fell into the rabbit hole again.
    I have a friend inside my head
    She manipulates me
    And she's not even a real person
    She's a disease.

    I'm relapsing
    But everyday I fight
    The words you said they run inside my head
    I remember when you told me that it hurt you to see me fall apart
    I never want to see you hurt

    You reached your warm hands out to me
    When everyone else let me be
    You cared for me like I was your own
    I said some cold things to you
    Because I was scared

    When I recovered, you told me you were proud of me
    You were there, you were always there.
    I feel like my relapse is a slap in the face to you and me
    Everything I have gained was lost in one moment

Friday, 10 July 2009

Tuesday, 07 July 2009

  • I haven't really been writing a lot, because something happened. Now that I've had a healthy conversation about it, I think I'm fine now. Cheeseburger came into my work. It was good when we were talking about Johnny Depp's new movie, but then he started talking about something that makes chills run down my back like all of a sudden the hottest sun burn turns into the coldest winter chill. He started talking about ways to date rape, not how to prevent, a how to guide. And that's when I gave him the classic death stare and rammed a cart into him. He ran off and I haven't talked to him since. I started to relapse for a little bit, but I feel better now. I'm really thankful right now that my friend Diva taught me how to be more vicious.

Sunday, 05 July 2009

  • I don't know why, I have such poor judgement in people I push the good ones away and I hold the bad ones close to my heart. I don't even realize I'm doing it most of the time, until one of the bad ones takes a big bite out of my heart like it was breakfast. I'm pushing my closest friend away again. The good news tho is I'm also pushing away the biggest idiot this time. Maybe there's hope after all.

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lilyavalon

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    • Member Since: 4/10/2009

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